5 Ways Parents Can Support a Struggling Child
It’s going to get real today because this is a topic that is dear to my heart: the anguish of walking through life with a child who is struggling.
Children living with anxiety, stress, and overwhelm seems to be the norm today.
Our kids experience self-doubt as they strive to figure out who they are. They compare themselves to others on social media and face the challenge of trying to meet the high expectations of parents, teachers, and friends.
Here are a few situations my clients have faced that might sound familiar:
A parent discovers that her teenage son is lying to her about his grades. She worries about his lack of motivation.
A couple observes their daughter, a recent college grad, withdraw from social activities. She is consumed with the disappointment of being unemployed and unable to move out of her parents’ home.
A mother suspects that her son is abusing drugs and is terrified he might harm himself.
When parents worry about the consequences of their children’s actions, it often leads to sleepless nights filled with fear and frustration. There is an overwhelming desire to take over and solve their problems. In spite of our best intentions, it usually does more harm than good, especially when our responses are punitive.
When a child is struggling, it is usually driven by feeling not good enough, not smart enough, or not pretty enough. External behaviors like missing soccer practice, not studying for a test, playing excessive video games, or retreating to their room, are typically not the underlying issue.
As parents, we know that life is a bumpy road. Share this with your children. Be confident it is not your children’s intention to hurt themselves or you. They are doing the best they can at this moment.
Here are 5 ways we can show up as parents that are helpful to our children:
Be present. When you notice a crack in their armor, stop what you are doing, and give them your full attention.
Stop talking. Instead of providing solutions, ask questions. Listen to what your child is saying, without thinking about what you want to say. What is important to them? Why?
Validate their feelings. Listen to how they are feeling and normalize it. Try to reflect observations, remain objective, and don’t judge.
Let go of an outcome. We have an overwhelming desire to fix our children’s problems because we are hoping for a certain outcome. Release your expectations.
Share their unique gifts. Identify and discuss their strengths with them. Ask them, “How can you use your gifts to solve your current problem?”
These suggestions may be super tough to execute, but trust that with your love and support, your child will feel empowered to make a change. These unwanted behaviors do not represent who they really are. This situation is temporary.
It sounds so simple, yet it feels impossible when you are filled with fear, anger, and disappointment. Clear your own energy so you can productively help them with theirs. It is like the instructions you hear on an airplane, “put your oxygen mask on first, before helping your child.”
I’ve seen such amazing results in my clients’ lives--and even in my own life--by letting go of expectations, getting curious, and empowering kids to solve their own problems. It helps them to gain self-confidence and a zest for life. And it allows us to maintain a deep connection and a healthy relationship with them.
That is ultimately what we want the most.
“Children are educated by what the grown-up is and not by his talk.”
—Carl Jung
