How to Stop Butting Heads and Create Harmony

Do you ever feel exhausted from butting heads with your child, boss, parent, or spouse? Instead of working as a team to achieve a common goal, it feels like you are on opposing sides and you don’t know why.

Here are a few situations my clients have faced that might sound familiar:

• A dad is exasperated with his daughter over her lack of study habits. He thinks she is being lazy.

• An adult daughter is irritated with her mother because she is not taking Covid precautions. She thinks her mom is being reckless.

• A manager is frustrated with her direct report who argues consistently. She thinks the employee is being disrespectful.

• A wife is annoyed with her husband because he doesn’t want her to quit her job. She thinks he doesn’t appreciate how unhappy she is.

It is perfectly natural to experience tension in our relationships when people are not doing what we want them to. We can try to convince them that our way is best, but that is often not enough to change their behavior. When things don’t go our way, we are left frustrated. 

This usually occurs when we misinterpret another person’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.

Interpretations are tricky. They can get in the way of having a healthy relationship.

When you find yourself making an assumption about the reason for another person’s actions, try to look at the situation from their perspective. What do you think is going on in their mind? Consider all the possibilities that might be contributing to their response. 

• Maybe your child is frustrated because it is difficult to focus and motivate while learning over Zoom.

• Perhaps your mother wants to live her final years in the presence of her loved ones regardless of the consequence.

• Maybe your employee has a crisis at home and finds it difficult to communicate effectively at work.

• Perhaps your husband isn’t aware of the enormity of your job dissatisfaction.

The next time you are butting heads with a colleague or loved one, notice if you are interpreting their behavior to mean something that it might not. 

Observe the facts and be curious why the other person is making a particular choice. 

Actively listen to their response and then ask yourself, “What can I do differently, so we are on the same team?”

Let me know how it goes.

“Do I want to be right or do I want peace?” 
—Marianne Williamson