“I Need to Talk to You”

Does your heart beat faster when you hear these words from your son or daughter? Do you brace yourself for what’s coming next, preparing for the worst? 

It goes both ways. When you say that to your teen, they think, “Oh no, I’m in trouble.” They assume a defensive posture and expect to hear what they are doing wrong.

When we observe concerning behavior, we feel compelled to correct it. It’s natural to say some version of, “I need to talk to you.”

Here are a few scenarios that have a similar sentiment:

Your teen is mindlessly scrolling social media, and so you say, “Why don’t you go outside and get some exercise?”

They bring home fast food, and so you say, “Why don’t you eat the yummy food in the refrigerator?”

Papers are unorganized in their bedroom, and so you say, “Why don’t you use the binder I bought you?”

These well-intentioned comments are met with, “Leave me alone.”

The result is an undesirable interaction with conflict, tension, and distance. 

Let’s break down this conversation cycle:

You are a loving, caring parent with the best intentions. 
You want them to be healthy, safe, and thrive.
You observe behavior you don’t like and you want them to act differently.
Unfortunately, your question inadvertently communicates disapproval.

Your teen’s desire for autonomy is increasing.
They think they know what is best.
Your comment feels controlling.
They feel judged that their actions are wrong.

This dance results in irritation and disconnection.
Often, you both ruminate about it, causing more annoyance and distance.

You can create a different experience when you change your approach.

Tap into your compassion and ask yourself if you can tolerate the behavior. Remember, this is just a single moment in time.

When the behavior must be addressed, recognize that your reaction is making your teen feel judged.

They will be more receptive when you initiate a conversation with observation and curiosity. “I noticed class notes and papers around your room. What are you doing to stay organized?”

This one simple shift in the conversation communicates your trust in their decision-making. 
Their thoughts shift from, “I’m doing something wrong” to “What can I do differently?”
Their resistance decreases and there is a greater probability that they will change their behavior.

This exchange fosters a calm, non-combative environment and the connection you desire.

When you change the conversation, you create a different result.

P.S. Are you experiencing the relationship you want with your teen? If not, I can help. Let’s talk. Click HERE for a complimentary call.