“Why did you do that?!?!!!”
It’s so easy to let these words fly out of your mouth when your teen does something stupid.
It’s obvious to you they made a bad decision.
It feels like this is going to ruin their life (and yours!)
These thoughts and feelings are so normal.
But expressing them to our teen is not helpful.
Their teen brain acts impulsively. It’s natural for them to not think about the consequences before they act.
My son used to say to me, “Mom, I noticed that I, ‘Do. Think. Regret.’ I want to ‘Think’ first.”
Your teen doesn’t intentionally make a poor decision.
They are doing the best they can with the tools they have.
When you ask, “Why did you do that?” there is an underlying tone that they screwed up. You are asking the question, but you have already drawn negative conclusions. This puts your teen on the defensive.
It can shame them.
It doesn’t help them learn from their actions.
They disconnect from you.
The result is the exact opposite of the bond you want to create.
If you want them to make good choices, ask a different question.
From a place of curiosity, ask, “What happened?” or say, “Tell me about it.”
Pause to acknowledge that you don’t know the exact reason they acted that way. Take a moment–
To not draw a conclusion.
To not know why.
To not rush to judgment.
Remind yourself they have a unique, beautiful mind filled with many gifts.
Create a safe space for them to confide in you.
Give them the opportunity to learn from their actions.
Empower them to make better choices in the future.
Your Coach,
Jeanine
P.S. If you would like to work with me directly to learn how to shift the dynamics between you and your teen, now is the perfect time. Click HERE and let’s get started.
